Lately I’ve been reading a lot. I’d forgotten how much I love to read. In the past month I read House of the Scorpion, Fault line, and Scribbler of Dreams. All of which were powerful and moving pieces of literature. Each of them made me think about my life and how I interact with the people around me. My psych has begun to make me realize how impairing my disorder is. I had never thought that being bipolar affected me so greatly but I’m beginning to notice how it clouds my thoughts and perception. Not to mention how it screws with my priorities and other vital parts of my mentality. I keep trying to figure out why this year has been so hard for me. Despite my terrible grades and the issues I’ve been having with my self-esteem and emotions, it’s been a perfect year. I look at my friends list on AIM constantly, I think it’s because it comforts me to see that there are people who consider me as their friends and love me for the person that I am, the person that deep inside I hate. I think I wouldn’t have such low self-esteem if I could learn to love myself. But it’s not just the way I look that I hate, its my whole self. My personality, the way I act, the way I respond to people, the decisions I make, everything feels flawed and imperfect. Most of the time I feel down I try to tell myself that I’m not worthless, I’m just an individual and I’m not supposed to be like everyone else. I’m different, but I don’t like it sometimes. I love that I am unique but I also hate it at the same time. I don’t like it when people call me “the weird one” when they refer to my brother and I. Why do they have to scrutinize me for being “Goth”. I have a sense of humor, but sometimes even the simplest of jokes hurt deeply because I know it’s true and I don’t want it to be. On the 22nd I see my psych again. She’s gonna put me on another med for my disorder. Maybe this one will work, I can only hope. I imagine what it feels like to be like everyone else and have control over my emotions. I love that I am unique but I also hate it at the same time because I desperately want to be normal.