Lately I’ve been reading a lot. I’d forgotten how much I love to read. In the past month I read House of the Scorpion, Fault line, and Scribbler of Dreams. All of which were powerful and moving pieces of literature. Each of them made me think about my life and how I interact with the people around me. My psych has begun to make me realize how impairing my disorder is. I had never thought that being bipolar affected me so greatly but I’m beginning to notice how it clouds my thoughts and perception. Not to mention how it screws with my priorities and other vital parts of my mentality. I keep trying to figure out why this year has been so hard for me. Despite my terrible grades and the issues I’ve been having with my self-esteem and emotions, it’s been a perfect year. I look at my friends list on AIM constantly, I think it’s because it comforts me to see that there are people who consider me as their friends and love me for the person that I am, the person that deep inside I hate. I think I wouldn’t have such low self-esteem if I could learn to love myself. But it’s not just the way I look that I hate, its my whole self. My personality, the way I act, the way I respond to people, the decisions I make, everything feels flawed and imperfect. Most of the time I feel down I try to tell myself that I’m not worthless, I’m just an individual and I’m not supposed to be like everyone else. I’m different, but I don’t like it sometimes. I love that I am unique but I also hate it at the same time. I don’t like it when people call me “the weird one” when they refer to my brother and I. Why do they have to scrutinize me for being “Goth”. I have a sense of humor, but sometimes even the simplest of jokes hurt deeply because I know it’s true and I don’t want it to be. On the 22nd I see my psych again. She’s gonna put me on another med for my disorder. Maybe this one will work, I can only hope. I imagine what it feels like to be like everyone else and have control over my emotions. I love that I am unique but I also hate it at the same time because I desperately want to be normal.

This song has been the theme of my day, sad. But i love this song it mellows me out. OLP is one of my favorite bands. But anyways, for anyone who isnt familar with this song lemme just give ya a few lyrics....

He wants discipline
and control over the way I live
He wants the best for me
An old school philosophy
So I can’t turn my back on him
He's apart of me
He’d buy me anything
But I just need a friend

It’s all for you
You’ve got me where you want
It’s all for you
Just stop breaking my heart

My parents are having another one of their parties.
They bought ne a tux for the event and they want me to make a toast at dinner.
I don't want to be here though...
I want to be with my friends.
Their the only people who really seem to care about me i am thankful for them.
I'm sick of these social events
They're so extravagant
It's not me
I'm taking some time before i have to start getting ready to draw somethings.
I still don't have enough money for my new scanner
my parents keep offering to buy it for me
but i'll be damned if i let them buy me anything else
They use their money to control me and i'm breaking free of that now
Buy this time next year i will be out of this house
and then maybe i can spend the holidays the people who really care about me
My friends....i love you guys
Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh Thank God! I'm FINALLY all healed up
And I'm soo happy
I can eat solid food again!!!!!!
Thank you soooo much everyone that prayed for me!
You guys (well, gurls*) rock!
^_^ WOOT ima go get som pizza and celebrate!!!!!

Because of the fever i had when i was sick,
my mouth and throat are COVERED in canker sores
also called mouth ulcers
They hurt sooooo bad and there's nothing i can do to speed the healing
Only numb them a little and avoid all solid food and acidic stuff too
I've been gargling mouthwash, salt water, and a mixture of maalox and benadryl
as instructed by my doctor
But it'll still be 7-10 days of this torture until the sores heal
Until then im deprived of my beloved Pepsi!!!
Somebody pray for me